When it comes to celebrity interviews, few subjects possess the flair and sheer self-regard of Fifi—Andy Shirley’s late wife’s toy poodle. Below is the transcript of our conversation.
Marc: Let’s start simple, Fifi. How would you describe yourself?
Fifi: Mademoiselle Fifi, if you please. I am a refined, intelligent, and devastatingly adorable petite canine. Some would describe me as the beating heart of the Quilt House Inn, not to mention the fashion compass for a man who would otherwise pair socks of mismatched colors.
Marc: Okay, Mademoiselle Fifi, what makes you laugh?
Fifi: Humans. The way Andy talks to himself while searching his vest pockets for “clues.” The expression on the sheriff’s face when Andy “helps” with a case. And the time Charlie attempted to train me with fake bacon treats. The nerve! I am not some common Labrador who will eat anything under its nose. Quelle horreur!
Marc: You sound very bold. Is there anything you’re afraid of?
Fifi: Vacuum cleaners are the bain of my existence. Those soulless predators have an insatiable hunger for crumbs and dignity. They feed on fear. They lurk. They hum. They plot. One day they will rise up and consume us all.
Marc: Do you have a special talent?
Fifi: Naturellement. I possess an exceptional ability to detect emotional distress — and bacon — from astonishing distances. I also possess an exquisite ability to look adorable while judging people silently. It is a rare skill.
Marc: With all your abilities, I suspect you must have uncovered many secrets around town. Any you’re willing to share?
Fifi: I cannot reveal information about Andy’s cases. That would be highly unprofessional. Since my dear departed Catherine is no longer with us, I can share something naughty I once did. Ma cherie Catherine owned some pearl earrings, which sparkled in the light. They were so beautiful, they drew attention away from me, so I buried them in the hydrangeas. Now I regret causing her such distress. To make amends, I provide Andy with comfort, going so far as to nap on Andy’s pillow, when he is not here, to leave my scent for him as a balm for his loneliness without Catherine.
Marc: Tell us about your family.
Fifi: My human mother, Catherine, was a woman of grace and warmth. She brushed me daily and spoke to me in complete sentences. Andy… well, he tries. He talks to me constantly but does not understand my complex emotions. Still, I keep him company. Someone must make sure he eats something other than toast and guilt.
Marc: Who is the most important person in your life?
Fifi: Now it is Andy, of course. He carries me everywhere in his silly vest pocket. He believes he’s protecting me, but truthfully, I am protecting him. Without me, he’d wander into murder investigations without snacks.
Marc: What’s been your most embarrassing moment?
Fifi: Once, I mistook Nadia’s feather duster for a rival poodle and launched an attack. I emerged victorious, but alas, covered in dust bunnies. The shame haunts me still.
Marc: What do you do for fun?
Fifi: I nap strategically, preserving my energy for when it’s needed. I judge tourists. Occasionally I bark at suspicious shadows to remind Andy I am indispensable.
Marc: If you could change anything about your life, what would it be?
Fifi: I would prefer daily croissants and less dirt and insects outside the cottage. I’d also like a bigger role in the novels, but the author thinks talking animals are silly so he filters my contributions out of the novels.
Marc: Yes, please tell me about your author.
Fifi: Ah, Monsieur Marc. You are a jewel among men. Such a gift for humor, a love of mystery, and an obvious fondness for small dogs. It is a wonder Hollywood hasn’t called you. However, your accent, how you say… needs work. You once pronounced my name “Fee-Fee” with the enthusiasm of a tourist asking for directions to the Louvre. It was tragic.
Marc: Noted. Do you like the way I write you?
Fifi: I tolerate it. You convey my adorableness, but you underestimate my influence. Everyone assumes Andy solves the mysteries, but truly, I am his muse. You should consider renaming the series The Fifi Files. It has a certain je ne sais quoi, no?
Marc: I’ll… think about it.
Fifi: Good. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must attend to my afternoon routine—a nap followed by a light snack. You may show yourself out. Try not to step on my aura.
Editor’s Note: Immediately after this interview, Fifi demanded a saucer of “evian eau fraîche” and a croissant “fluffier than the lies of men.” Andy reports she settled—with a large sigh—for tap water and a dog treat.
Marc: Whine and Dine is available at: https://mybook.to/WhineandDine and book 1, Rivers and Creaks, is available at https://mybook.to/RiversandCreaks. You can find all my cozy mysteries at: https://www.amazon.com/Marc-Jedel/e/B07H7MVKJL. They’re available in e-book, paperback, and audiobook formats. My novels are free to read by Kindle Unlimited members. See more here.
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